Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Five Minutes

Evil KGB Woman: Show us where the box is in this giant warehouse or my soldiers will kill you.
Indiana Jones: (snarky look)
Evil KGB Woman: No, seriously. (punch)
Indiana Jones: (snarky look)
Evil KGB Woman: (pulls out a sword) Tell me!
Indiana Jones: Okay, okay, I'll tell you, you don't have get medieval on me.

Indiana's Buddy Mac: So, Indy, you have a plan for getting out of this, right? Maybe using the magnetic properties of the box you found against the men with guns? Or maybe use the contents of a different secret box that you know about? Or perhaps maybe you had a plan from the beginning and this is all a sham?? Maybe?
Indiana Jones: Oh, I was just going to create a tiny diversion by shooting this gun then running for it. Probably, all twelve soldiers with automatic weapons will miss us.
Mac: What, that's it? Screw you, I'm switching sides.

Indiana Jones: Ooh, look a jet-powered missile. That's faster than me running for it.
Jet Powered Missile: (comes to a gentle stop in the desert.)
Bad guys: (get away.)

Kid on motorcycle to Indiana: Hey, you on the train! I'm going to kill Oxley! [at least that's what I heard him say]
Indiana Jones: (looks over with interest as the train speeds up)

Indiana Jones: (Manages to either jump off the train, convince conductor to stop, or gets off at the next stop and turns around and find the strange kid in the middle of the city who he's never met before.) This cafe was a good choice, kid.
Kid: Yeah, all the Russians recommend it.
KGB agents: We are so suave, we are already in the cafe. And wearing suits and being 20 years older than everyone else in the cafe doesn't make us stand out at all. Let's spy on Indiana Jones.
Kid: My mom's been kidnapped in South America and my stepdad, your good friend Oxley, has a paper full of pictograms.
Indiana Jones: Hmm, sounds interesting and a great excuse to show a map and a red line going from city to city as we fly halfway around the world. But first, we have to get away from those agents.
Kid: I guess it's a good thing this is where the Jets and Sharks hang out. I'll start a fight and we'll escape on my motorcycle.
Indiana Jones: I'm getting too old for this. Glad we have someone in the movie now who skews younger.

[Apparently, the library has the waxiest, slipperiest floors known to man]

Kid: I'm going to make an elaborate point of taking my motorcycle all the way to Peru... where it won't be seen for the rest of the movie.

Kid: Wow this cemetery is creepy and full of ninja zombies.
Indiana Jones: Yep, but they are no match for me. I have a fedora.

Kid: Wow, this well-lit hidden crypt with treasure is sure to be filled with booby traps.
Indiana Jones: No, I have a fedora.
Kid: Not one single booby trap in this entire spooky underground complex?
Indiana Jones: No. Been there, done that, don't want to seem cliched.

Kid: Wow, you found a crystal skull, like the Evil KGB Woman stole in the beginning of the movie. How in the world did it get back here? Did Oxley steal it back from the KGB somehow, go all the way back to Peru and return it to this cemetery (avoiding the ninja zombies), then go insane and write cryptic clues in a sanitarium for us to find, give a letter to his wife, then be kidnapped by the KGB again? Maybe this movie should have been about him.
Indiana Jones: No. He doesn't have a fedora.

Kid: Oh no, we've been kidnapped by the KGB again and brought to the jungle. I'm going to disappear for a while so you can be strapped to a chair and taunted and stuff.
Mac: Hi, Indy. I didn't really betray you, I was just kidding.
Indiana Jones: Oh, in that case, I forgive you.
KGB woman: Loooook into the skuuuullll.
Indiana Jones: Ow, bright.
KGB woman: Okay, I guess you're hypnotized. I'll release you now. Will you interpret this map for us?
Indiana Jones: Sure. I don't mind helping you guys out at all. You're not evil or anything.
Kid, reappearing: Hey, look, it's my mom and Oxley!
Indiana Jones: Hmm, your mom looks familiar. I might have to tell you something, Luke...

Marion: This jeep we're escaping in sort of looks like a boat. I think I have an idea about the nearby river.
Indiana Jones: It looks like a BOAT, not a plane. The river is off a cliff!
Oxley: It's okay, we have the crystal skull. It will get us through anything.

Mac: What about the giant red ants between here and the river that can eat a human alive in seconds?
Oxley: They won't hurt us. Did I mention the crystal skull?

Indiana Jones: But what about the kid? We lost him back there somewhere.
Kid: Ooeeooh, eeeeeoh oooeeoo! No problem, Jane, I can swing at speeds over 80 miles per hour. Faster than any car chase. Don't even need the crystal skull.

Indiana Jones: We made it to the river! But, oh no, there's a waterfall coming up!
Oxley: No problem. Crystal skull.

Marion: There's another waterfall!
Oxley: Ditto.

Kid: But there's the biggest waterfall yet! Even bigger and stronger than the one in the Fugitive! We'll all be killed.
Oxley: Hey. Are you doubting the random magnetic, hypnotic, and anti-ant powers of the quartz/crystal/aluminum skull? We'll be fine.

Kid: We made it! But more ninja zombies! How did hundreds of ninja zombies get up in the walls and hide so quickly?
Mac: They probably have a people-falling-off-the-waterfall-and-surviving surveillance system.
Marion: But how do we get away? Oh, let me guess. Crystal skull.
Oxley: Crystal Skull.
Marion: We should call it like it is. Deus ex Skull.

Indiana Jones: We did it, we found the main temple! But why are the stone spiral stairs down disappearing?
Marion: Probably since it's cool - it certainly doesn't in any way stop or slow the bad guys from following us.
Indiana Jones: Well, the Penitent Man riddle and spelling Jehovah using the Latin alphabet haven't stopped a femme fatale and her lackeys from following me in the past.

Indiana Jones: We found the inner sanctum, but are surrounded by men with guns! How did that happen?
Mac: Because I'm betraying you again. Bet you didn't see that coming.
Evil KGB Woman: I returned the skull first, nyah, nyah, nyah! So do I get powers? Do I? Hey, skull people, you promised powers! Show me some powers!
Oxley: Starts speaking in Mayan.
Evil KGB Woman: Translate, Indiana!
Indiana Jones: Okay, okay, as long as you don't take out your sword again.
Daniel, I mean Oxley, in Mayan: The enemy of our enemy is our friend.
Me: Thank you, both of you, who got that reference.

Evil KGB Woman: No powers, then, huh. Well, then I'll have a Cocoon moment instead and settle for knowledge over powers.

Oxley: Yay, the aliens left, I'm not insane anymore!
Indiana, Marion: Yay, let's have a wedding!
Kid: Yay, a fedora!
Indiana Jones: Um, no.

The End